Slobberface

I would like to consider myself a good dog dad, but after this week I have just about reached my limit.  This week was particularly challenging, starting with incredible financial investments and ending with me experiencing the most horrible and disgusting thing ever.. all because of our dog Riley.

The above picture is not my dog.  I would argue my dog is cuter, but then again every pet owner would say that.  They are wrong.
This is my dog.

See what I mean?  Cuter than your dog right?  Told you..  anyway...

Before I go further, let me introduce you to this little angels personality... through pictures...
Exhibit A.

After finding my original XBOX controller eaten, I ordered new a new one from Amazon.com.  The one on the left was purchased on Monday, and by Monday afternoon it was eaten (look at buttons).  I ordered another.  By Wed I had received the second one, and apparently Riley thought the top left button was again too big, so she fixed it.  I was pissed and controllerless.  Thinking third time is a charm, I went to order another.  It is at this point Amazon.com e-mails me to say they will not fulfill my order because I am purchasing too many.  FML.

Exhibit B.

This was a nice couch.  To add insult to injury, when she went to shit out the material it got stuck in her ass, and as she walked up to me with the constipated-from-couch puppy look, I did what any father would do.  Yes, like pulling hair out of a drain, I reclaimed my couch.

Exhibit C.

I would like you to turn your attention to the exhausted dog on the floor.  She is exhausted because I just chased her down the god damn street after she showed me her new "digging under the fence" trick.  As a token of my appreciation, I am buying her majesty a new shiny $1000 electric fence.

This is all just one week, and I didn't even get to show you the 500lb JDAM sized crater she made for me on Wednesday morning over coffee.

OK.. now that we are all acquainted, let me get to the icing on the cake.  To top off my eventful dog-filled week, the following scenario is the "most horrible and disgusting thing ever" as I eluded to in the opening.

After working all afternoon, I walked out to find Riley gloomily staring outside our front window from the half eaten couch.  I felt neglectful, so we went to the dog park

Riley is not the socialite when it comes to larger dogs.  Submissive is an understatement.  This video clip does a great job of showing what Riley does when she meets another dog.



This is not an exaggeration, and as cute as it is.. it makes for a very slobber-full Riley when the other dogs are done smelling her.  In this case, a Rhodesian Ridgeback took a particular liking to Riley.  If you have never seen a Rhodesian Ridgeback, picture Riley cross bred with a Hummer H3.

To this Rhodesian Ridgeback, Riley looked just like her puppy.. and the big mama Ridgeback loved her for it.  The result was a motherly love fest with a huge amount of snot kisses for made special for Riley. When the big dog was all done with the kissing, it looked like Riley was born again as she waddled back over to my lap with her boogery mucus covered body.  Everyone ooo'ed and aahhh'ed at how cute it was, and owner of the Ridgeback handed me a few napkins to wipe her off.

Flash forward to me sitting at this computer 30 minutes ago.  There I was reading my e-mails.. finishing up the week.. when I almost threw up on my desk.  I had just realized I was chewing on a napkin.

Soldiers Coming Home

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The Gift That Keeps on Giving

The Gift That Keeps on Giving

What is more romantic than the gift of music?  My wife may say diamonds, roses, doing the laundry, keeping my side of the room clean, taking out the garbage BEFORE the garbage guys come, not eating the the dried breakfast eggs off of the cold pan for dinner... but she would be wrong.

The only thing more romantic than the gift of music is predicting my wife's misplacement of said gifted music, recover gift, then give it back to her - again.  With a little logical thinking and romantic engraving, you too can turn a $200 gift into a $400 gift just like that.  Let me explain.

Step 1 - Buy an Ipod for your wife from apple.com
Step 2 - Get it engraved.  Do NOT put "I love you" or something else which provides no value to your relationship or wallet.  She knows you love her... its $200 for shit sake.
Step 3 - Get her e-mail address engraved on it.
Step 4 - Wait for her to leave it on an aircraft
Step 5 - Have it returned, and claim it as another $200 gift.

With some clever book keeping one may argue that you just found $200 for the "I want a zip-cord off the deck" fund.  And yes, I will be listening to the soundtrack of 007 on the Ipod as I fly across the yard into the shed.

Next step, have Riley tattooed :P

Don't plan ahead, it can only mess up your plans.

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I have often given my youngest bro crap for not making plans, but after this past week I think he is onto something.

IMAX is such a cool theater, but if there is a good movie playing on their massive screen chances are its sold out.  Last Thursday my brothers and I had this great idea to see Avatar at IMAX; but tickets were sold out until the next week!  Ahh, its time to make a plan.

I am not good with plans.  My wife is in charge of the plan making because more often than not I will miss some detail and screw the entire god damn thing up.  But she had no interest in seeing this, so I needed to step it up.

How hard could buying movie tickets be?  In the past my biggest movie trick was paying for tickets at the little kiosk with a credit card and watch the suckers stand in line.  Its similar to watching those morons who don't have easypass sit in line as you fly through the express lane at 55 mph while hurling your garbage out the window at them.  I love credit cards.

I digress.  The point here is that although I was a ticket buying ninja jedi at the kiosk thing, I was also a internet-ticket-pre-ordering virgin.  At $36 for two tickets a week out, I had jumped into this pre-ordering game head first.

After paying through their website, a massive warning took over my screen as if I had just sold my soul for the tickets.  "NO REFUNDS, NO PARKING, NO EXCHANGES, NO TRANSFERS, NO LOITERING, NO TALKING, NO EATING..  EVER.. FOREVER. DONT EVEN BOTHER ASKING FOR THAT MATTER OR WE WILL FIND WHERE YOU SLEEP."  I can't be certain that was word for word, but it was very close.

Who would have thought buying a ticket would have so much permanence?  I felt like I just got duped into marrying a movie I never met with the movie manager screaming in the background "NO BACKSIES!".  Even with the scary investment terms, I was happy because we now had reserved seats for Avatar 3D in IMAX!

Shortly after that, my plans met their match.  Let me explain.  Its not often all of the brothers get together, so when we do, rules do not apply.  Its all about impulse..  no plans.  Want to go out to eat.. right after dinner?  SURE!  Want to play 45 hours of video games until our eyes bleed? SURE!  Want to take all of our parents firewood and build a 2 story structure out of it and then light it on fire at 1am? SURE!   While drunk?  SURE!   How about going to see Avatar in the regular movie theater tomorrow?  SURE!..  oh wait.. SURE!

OK, so now I did it.  Half way through the movie I thought.. what I am going to do with the tickets for next Thursday?  Should I see this insanely long movie twice?  After all, my wife doesn't even want to see it.  Do I eat the 36 bucks and have the IMAX manager throw food and laugh at me every time I walk into the mall?

Thursday arrives, and I insist to my wife that she would love the movie.  After hours of brain washing, she accepts my dinner / movie date night invitation and we were off to the races.  We had one major issue though..


At 8:30pm we strolled into the mall for our 7pm movie.  SHIT.  I approach the ticket counter manger..

MY NAME IS ADAM. I PRE-ORDERED TICKETS AND I AM LATE.

Adam, Adam, Adam...   did you happen to read the terms of our agreement?

BUT I'M AND IDIOT AND MISSED MY MOVIE AND I REALLLLLLLY WANT TO SEE IT!!

hahahaha..  yes.  I knew this day would come.  Show me your receipt!

ITS IN MY PHONE.. HOLD ON!

OK I FOUND IT, IT SAYS RIGHT HERE - 7PM.. TUESDAY!

Well Adam, it is not 7pm, it is 8:30pm.  It is also not Tuesday, today is Thursday.  You truly are a slow individual.. dragging your wife out to a movie she does not want to see, 2 days late.  As the masterful understanding and all forgiving manager I am, kiss my ring and I will give you tickets to the 10PM showing tonight.

BUT IM TO TIRED FOR A 10 PM MOVIE!

do it.

OK!  JUST DON'T HIT ME!

Moral of this story is to let your wife make plans and follow her around if you want things to work.  I fought the battle and lost.. but the movie still rocked for the second time!

Impossibilities

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For some reason all great outlandish promises come with some impossible stipulations attached.  Travel back to 1987 with me..

Me - "Mom! I really want that race car in FAO Schwarz!  Can you get it for me"
Mom - "Yeah sure.. in your dreams"

Or this one from when I was a lifeguard and worked for this asshole named Turner one summer:
Me - "Can I take a break for 2 minutes?  I have 3rd degree burns on 90% of my body, and have been sitting in this chair for 26.3 hours..."
Turner - "Over my dead body"

Granted, the "dead body" could have been a win/win for everyone so I'm not sure why I didn't take him up on it.

Some other classics are:

• When pigs fly
• Once in a blue moon
• When hell freezes over
• When monkeys fly out of my but
• When the cows come home

Do you have any idea how much cool shit is going down the day the cows come home?  There are at least 50 awesome things happening that day.


On that same note, I have some great news.  Unlike me, I hope you have been keeping your impossibility list up to date because tomorrow is a big day.  Tomorrow is dedicated to all of the things that happen once in a blue moon..... because... well... its a blue moon!

Lets look at the list of things that can happen -

• TBS plays a movie without commercials... once in a blue moon
• The diner around the corner from me has this terrific green pea soup for lunch... once in a blue moon
• I go a day without losing my wallet or keys... once in a blue moon
• It is new years eve on once in a blue moon... once in a blue moon

Now think about this.. if once in a blue moon monkeys flew out of your but, which then made pigs fly and the cows come home... we have a chain reaction of impossibilities.  This could either be awesome or at the end hell will freeze over.

And with that said, I leave you with this.  If heal does freeze over, watch out Turner.